I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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