i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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