at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
