I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
