It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize