my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Randomize
