So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
