guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
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