I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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