Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
