last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
