It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
