And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize