somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
