youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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