I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
