I just pynch a tree in the face
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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