i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also, beer. Big fan.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
