and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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