Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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