Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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