She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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