This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
