Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Randomize
