so that wasnt chicken after all
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The Olympian is in my bed
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
