If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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