We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
