Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
