i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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