i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
