Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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