$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
