i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
