Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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