So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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