I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
