Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
I did not marry a roomba.
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