I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
