They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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