Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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