The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
