i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
