Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
