if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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