I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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