Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
