I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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