I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
