Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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