me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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