he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
