He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
