I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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