I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize