Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
