I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
