I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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