Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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