hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
