My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
