look no pants
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
