we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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