My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm like, not good at living.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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