I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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