your parents love me but you hate me
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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