im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Randomize
