Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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