Where is the hickey?
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
