I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
